Be right back

Just a quick one to say that I'm sorry I haven't posted any blogs for a while but unfortunately my Step-Grandad died and I've sort of been lost for words. I think after the funeral (Monday 27th 2010) I will be able to resume where I left off.

What will the future hold?

Well my excitement didn't last long the other night. You see I was due to start a new course in child minding. A chance to earn money while still being able to spend time with my own son. Great! I thought, sounds perfect.

Well... I attended the introduction class and all was going well for the first hour, the course sounded well set out, it went into full detail of all the Ofsted laws and how to comply by them. how to set your prices to compete with other registered child minders and nurseries, they talked about all the training during the course and in the future once you became qualified and also talked about all the help they would give you if you needed it even after your registered as you will then be a member of the North West child minders register.

They then handed out a print out of all the areas in St Helens, it had on it how many child minders was in each area, how many children they had and could look after and then also how many people have enquired or requested a child minder in each area. The area I have just moved in looked the best one for guaranteed jobs. It only had five child minders each took their full amount of children they could look after but there was at least 50 requests for a child minder from parents. There were other areas that had childminders with vacancies for children but the work just wasn't there for them. It all looked so promising...

That was until the child minder they brought in to give her talk. She brought in two pages of A4 paper. On was side was the pro's for working as a child minder, the second was the con's. The pro's were things like -

*If you like children, this is the perfect career for you.

*It's rewarding seeing the child develop due to your work... so on and so on. They was along the same lines but there were only four points which was a bit concerning especially when she came to the con's...

I could see at a glance that the paper she was holding the con's had a FULL A4 page. The first point brought me down to the ground -

*If you have a child of your own who's clingy while child minding for others, then they can feel left out and don't understand the sudden change.

*If you try and over compensate your own child, then the other children will see favouritism and WILL report back to their parents.

*Sometimes a parent will phone to say they are working late, this could be till 7pm or 8pm, if you put you own child to bed at that time then it can cause complications and disrupt your own family time.

*If you have a partner they will also need to be vetted and will have to do a child minding course too in certain circumstances.

*If you are paid £20-£30 for a full days child care and you decided to take them out for a day to a child activity centre for example, then that could cost your full days wage so therefore try and stick to your home, parks, libraries and the likes.

There were many other reasons in those con's that helped me to decide not to go ahead with the course but it was mainly how it would affect my son. I guess I never really thought about the negative side. Still, I'm sure there are other things I could do or even continue to do this course when Alfie is older.

Busy doing nothing

Talk about a manic day. I'm currently typing this blog on my iPhone while in bed. This morning seemed to shoot by, Alfie was in his "I want ALL your attention" moods so I spent all morning trying to entertain him. I think another tooth is about to break through again soon as he is constantly rubbing at his gums and biting things, including me! I had no sooner finally got him off for his nap when I got a phone call from my mum to tell me what ward her step-dad was on as he was taken into hospital last night. He has been partially blind for some time now but can see a little but he's been seeing things that aren't really there for a few weeks now. He hasn't been eating as he's been seeing imaginary insects crawling on his plate and swears that children have been running in and out the house playing. It turns out that he has cancer as well as general old age ailments and we have been warned that he could pass away any day.
Alfie was woken up by mums call so I then had one tired, cranky little boy for the rest of the day. When Dave got in from work we went to visit my dad, not something that I want to do nor enjoy but I go for Alfie. Then we needed to go food shopping. We finally sat down to eat our tea at 8:45pm Much later then usual but as soon as we had ate, it was time for bed, a later one for Alfie but an early one for Dave and I, Dave has to wake at 5am for work. A long, tiring but boring day.

I don't think I'll sleep though, I'm excited about tomorrow…

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lorna x

Location:Colne Dr,St Helens,United Kingdom

The present - It's a boy!

Needless to say that after losing my first son, I was more then a little scared at finding out I was pregnant. Although it was unplanned, the baby was wanted more then I could ever express here in a blog. I was terrified! I had lost my son while I was only 20 weeks pregnant, after going into premature labour. My son, James, lived for three hours fighting for breath. It was worse then hell to watch and it's one thing I would NEVER wish to happen to anyone.

My Doctor told me that he would personally look after me to put my mind at ease, which it did... a little. My first 12 week scan, everything was fine. 16 week scan, blood pressure was high (nothing new there, high is normal for me) baby was still fine. At my 20 week scan, all was well with baby but they was concerned with my high blood pressure so asked if I could come into hospital again the following week. 21 weeks pregnant, I go in for my blood pressure monitoring and my mums friend walks in, "Hiya Lorna, I'm with a patient right now, will only be 10 minutes, if your blood pressure is done I'll give you your 4D scan" Great! I thought, been wanting to get one done. Little did I know what was going to happen...

During the scan, it was found that my baby's foot had worked it's way into my cervix. If it had been left any longer, I could have gone into premature labour... again! It turns out I have a weak cervix, any pressure and it begins to open unable to carry the weight of an unborn child. I was rushed into theatre straight away to have what they call a stitch put in to hold it together. Unfortunately or fortunately as I see it now, I had to spend the remainder of my pregnancy in hospital as they ordered me COMPLETE bed rest. Not allowed on my feet in case the baby's weight put pressure on the stitch or in case it burst it moving around too much. I was terrified to go the toilet! I was eventually allowed to walk around the hospital for some exercise, then later weekend home visits, until I was finally allowed home. I was only home a week when I began to have pains in my back. My doctor said I was in slow labour so would take the stitch out from my cervix which could then bring the labour on even more. It did, they got stronger but not for long, they eased up so much I was sent home until the next day when they had decided to induce me. An hour after I was induced, my son, Alfie Jack was born weighing 6lb 13oz and 51cm long. He never cried when he was born, he had the deepest of blue eyes and blonde hair. I loved him from the start and finally here he was looking up right into my eyes while I fed him. He took to my breast straight away no trouble, as if he knew what to do. That suited me just fine, I had no idea what I was doing so I let him guide me.

A yawn from Alfie after his tiring, long journey

Alfie is now 14 months old and I swear he already thinks he's a teenager! He can walk, he can talk a little but still does a lot of baby babbling, he can feed himself and can even drink from a normal cup on his own. Alfie can do a lot of things that he is way too young to do just yet. But my favourite things that he does, is give me the biggest and best-est kiss and cuddle.

Alfie lost his blonde locks for a more strawberry blonde, though his hair colour changes depending on the lighting. More often then not, his hair is red. And my blue eyed boy still has his gorgeous blue eyes.

Photo taken on Alfie's 1st Birthday

The present - Life is never easy, is it?

A bit of a late blog. A mad weekend has got in the way. I had a LOT of housework, washing and ironing to do as well as a Sunday roast to knock up. Saturdays are wasted for me for getting much housework done as Dave, my boyfriend works from 6am till 2pm so I only have half a day to do it while Dave, does the child care. This is the same during the week with only Thursday and Sundays being his day off, these are the days I can usually get stuck in and complete all my jobs but unfortunately, these are also the days when we get invited out for family occasions, meaning my jobs pile up!

Anyway, where was I? ...Ah yes! Out of work and back where I started. Or was I? As I said, I was a LOT stronger now, I was medicated for my Manic Depression, I was keeping up my "brain thought re-training" that I was taught during my counselling and my 3 years away had given me the independence that I needed to stand on my own two feet.

I joined a Paranormal group that my mum and brother was also involved with and I made quite a few new friends, some great, some turned out to be not so great but non the less I absolutely enjoyed my time investigating ghosts.

I also had a few nights out and met my old school mate after joining back on the rock scene. How I'd missed rock nights. I was beginning to feel myself again. So much so, I even had a few non serious boyfriends. I know that makes me sound bad but I had been hurt by the father of my first son and I never wanted to go through that again, so I guess I was on a self destruct when it came to relationships.

Relationships was my downfall, I wanted one but didn't want the hurt that came with it. Then there was my dream... how could I ever be happy if I'd never give myself and anyone else a chance. I somehow got myself in a hole that I couldn't get myself out of...

That was until I get Dave, he was so different to anyone else I had met. He was a Buddhist and always seamed happy with his lot and always played the joker... Just what I needed! Someone to make me laugh and teach me how to accept who I was and what I had. Unfortunately (as I then saw it) he was already in a relationship. We became friends and talked almost everyday. Eventually it came out that he was starting to look at his current relationship differently, as he was beginning to have feelings for me. Now normally I'd think "Typical bloke" but if you knew Dave then you'd know that he was far from like that. I met Dave online, Facebook in fact. Dave said that regardless whether or not that we'd ever meet up, he could not continue to mislead his then girlfriend if he was starting to have feelings towards someone else. Not knowing Dave in person, I backed off a little. It took a while longer to end his relationship as Dave could never muster the enough courage to end things as he didn't want to hurt her, but eventually he did but was too honest to her when ask was there someone else, he answered me! We hadn't even met yet, let alone in a relationship, we where just friends.

Eventually we did meet and even started a relationship after a while. I did receive a few names from his ex but I don't blame her really. Only a short few months after officially going out together, I found out I was pregnant. Yes I wanted children but not this early in a new relationship! We where still at the getting to know each other stage. This was too soon. However, we accepted it and started to look towards the future.

The past - The present

Another escape I had growing up was drawing, I loved to draw what ever was around me, to see if I could capture it like a photograph. I'd also copy other pictures and photographs too, just see if I could do them just as well. At the time I used to get comments from people saying how good they where but looking back at them I think they was either humouring me, or talking about them being good considering my age. Either way I enjoyed doing them at the time and have advanced since then anyway.

I enjoyed art so much I went to collage to study it. Although I passed and completed my course, I didn't enjoy it at all, I'd go so far to say I lost the passion for it. I did meet some great long term friends while I was there though and had a ball in the process.

Upon leaving collage, I wanted to do something different. To get away from what I thought I'd become to hate. Only being qualified in all things artistic I found myself stumbling into retail. And I loved it! I enjoyed how no two days was the same and all the different people I got to meet. Some customers I got to know as regulars and enjoying listening to them telling me about their lives. There where some very strange people also but I enjoyed meeting them too as it helped me to realise that there can be some people worse of them you and that I should be grateful for the life I was leading. I was lucky compared to most, I was in work getting a reasonable pay and I had a roof over my head. But that was before the ground was taken from underneath me when I lost my son. I didn't see that I was lucky then. Well we don't do we?

When I moved away, I wanted to stay in retail, so looked around and found the perfect job for me. I decided I wanted to take up drawing again and found a little hobby in card making. Finally! my passion had come back. This was just right for me, keeping it as a hobby rather then a career. My perfect job was at Hobbycraft. I knew the products that was being sold, having used them myself so I could easily advise customers. And I could also make use of my staff discount to buy all my crafting materials. Working there I also got to try other hobbies such as Scrapbooking, Jewellery making and Glass painting. I loved them all.

I have to say, my most happiest time whilst working for Hobbycraft was when I signed on voluntary for doing a store opening in Stevenage. It was hard work and extremely long hours but I met some great people and we all had a great laugh while we worked. Going back to my own store after working in Stevenage was a little bit of a come down but I still enjoyed the job and there would be still chances of attending more store openings in the future. Unfortunately that wasn't to be the case...

I had only been back in my own store a week when the relationship I was in broke down. It was heading that way for a while but I was hoping to sort other accommodation out before I ended it. It may sound cruel but I didn't really know anyone else in the area and didn't want to end up homeless. My then partner had been slowly getting worked up and jealous while I was away working in Stevenage and had got it into his head that I wasn't working at all but seeing someone else. Obviously having made friends with people, we had swapped phone numbers and continued to text each other when we got home. My partner took this as to be confirmation that he was right. My first Friday back, he didn't go into work and instead choose to stay at home drinking. I had enough and wasn't going to stay for his childishness any more, ironic really as he was a LOT older then me. That was probably a major factor in his jealousy. I left that night and went back home to my family. I was stronger and more confident now but I was sad to leave my perfect job behind though I felt I had no choice but to do so.

I have since found out that he posted on his blog a so-called conversation that was meant to be me and "the other guy"that he had "found" on my MSN conversation history. I read his blog and it was laughable to say the least. Firstly, I have never kept my history as I have always had it set to delete. Secondly, I had taken my computer with me, so when was he supposed to have "found" this conversation? See... Laughable! I could have commented on his blog but I thought better of it. It had obviously helped him feel better to see me as the bad guy and any of our mutual online friends who was worth knowing would surely see through it. Luckily I was right, I moved onto facebook as did they and I am happy to say that I am still friends with them.

So... out of work and back where I started? You'll find out tomorrow.

The past (continued)

My dreams where simple, nothing far fetched as I felt that they would be impossible for me to reach otherwise. Like I would be THAT lucky.

All I wanted was a normal family life, if there was such a thing. To find someone who loved me for being me and shared my dream of a family. I wanted children to shower them in love and to receive it back equally and unconditionally. A happy family unit.

Not much to ask for really is it?

Growing up you quickly realise how hard life can be but I don't think that we really know exactly how much until something major happens. Be it money worries or the loss of a loved one, it can really knock us for six.

With me, it was the loss of my first born son, James. I had been told by my GP when I was younger, that I was a borderline depressive but it wasn't until 5 years after the loss of my son that I was diagnosed as Manic Depressive. The loss of my son had tipped me over the edge and I went undiagnosed for 5 years and I'd have to say that those 5 years of my life was the worst I have ever had to go through. I knew something was wrong with me but thought I could cope and be like everyone else. Wrong!

I knew I couldn't go on any longer the way I was and finally asked for help, too little, too late in some cases. I went for counselling for my loss, which I feel helped me more for my depression then any of the medication that I took. I also gave up my job to move away from my home town. A bit drastic? Possibly but I feel that it helped me to become a person in my own right and see something beyond my dreams.

I realised that a career could also be on the cards for me as well as a family. Not just a 9 to 5 job to pay the bills to get by, but something that I could actually enjoy...

The past

Not a lot of people know this about me, but I have always had a fascination about dreams. Not only the dreams I had while I slept but I also used to love day dreaming. I could spend hours peacefully on my own in my bedroom just day dreaming and getting lost in my own little world that I had created for my future.

I didn't have the greatest time growing up and an escape route is something I needed greatly many times. Don't get me wrong, I have a fantastic mum and brother who would both die for me as I would them but growing up was strained around my dad and sometimes just not talking, not even to each other was best so as not to get him angry. I don't want to go into too much detail but things was NOT good with my dad and alcohol played a major part in his actions though not always need to get him angry.

One thing about not talking was that we all suffered alone in silence and it wasn't until a very messy court case was finally over, that my mum, brother and I could finally start to get to know each other, become a close family and move on with our lives.

Mum fulfilled her dreams of going back into education and continued to pass every exam she took. I cannot begin to say how proud I am of her.

My brother has successfully carried out his dream by working his way up to eventually running his own business, he even got married along the way. I have always looked up to my brother, he has been my idol and my friend.

And what became of my dreams? Well... that is for another blog.